don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
