a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You ruined the universe
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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