There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
