So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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