He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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