She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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