that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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