Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
