Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
