i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
