So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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