if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
