Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
