I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
