I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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