I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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