He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
