Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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