I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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