Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
