Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Soap is not a condiment
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
