you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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