the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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