I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
