I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
