We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
