he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I AM VODKA MAN
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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