im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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