Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
