How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
