I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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