Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
