is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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