Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
