So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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