There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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