for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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