Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
