Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
