In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
