I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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