Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
