i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
