I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
