glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
