I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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