Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
