Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
