I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
