Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
