Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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