My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
