he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
