Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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