I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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