Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
