Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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