so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
