Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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