i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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