So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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