I'm eating all of the evidence.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
